Super Saiyan Defence Against the Dark Arts
by Insieme per la vittoria
Summary: After Voldemort's return, Fudge made it clear he wasn't on Dumbledore's side. Foreseeing Fudge's scheme, Dumbledore hired a new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher, and ends up choosing a strange one out of desperation: Goku. Goku can deal with aliens, demons, monsters, but now for his ultimate challenge: dealing with a teaching job, and not getting fired by the corrupt Umbridge.
1. Job Offer For Goku

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Dragon Ball Z or Harry Potter.**

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore stood over his desk, glaring at a list of reports about the Ministry's distrust of his and Harry's statements. It had occurred to him that with Voldemort back the school was at great risk, and also that the Ministry could exploit any empty staffing positions for their own use. In short, Dumbledore needed to find a new Defence Against the Dark Arts Teacher quickly. Luckily, something had caught his attention.

* * *

Son Goku sat in the top fork of a tree, nursing a nest of small birds whose mother was injured.  
"Don't worry, little guys. Your mother's gonna be better soon!"  
Goku flinched as a man suddenly appeared not far away, sitting in the fork of the tree on the other side of the bird nest from Goku. The man was elderly, with a long white beard and strange clothes. Goku looked at the man with curiosity, blinking in confusion. Seeing this, the old man smiled.  
"Son Goku, am I right? My name is Albus Dumbledore. I am the headmaster of a school, and I need your help."  
Goku blinked again, still confused, but answered, "I don't know how I can help. And these birds need me right now."  
Dumbledore raised his wand and waved it over the mother bird, healing her injuries. She jumped up and puffed her feathers, triumphantly reassuming her position with her offspring. Goku nodded, and drifted away from the tree several feet.  
"So… What kind of help do ya need?"

* * *

Goku sat in Dumbledore's office, admiring the instruments and various mystical objects in the office. Dumbledore took a sip from his drink, and explained, "We have a vacant teacher's position here, and we need you to fill it."  
Goku looked blankly at Dumbledore. "You want me to fill your teacher's what?"  
Dumbledore smiled. "We need you to teach Defence against the Dark Arts to students. There is a dangerous wizard in the world who is a threat to us, and the students need to be able to defend themselves."

Goku nodded, understanding. "You want me to teach kids how to defend themselves against bad guys?"  
Dumbledore nodded, amused by the blunt way Goku thought about the situation. Some would call it stupid, but Dumbledore saw it for its practicality. Goku didn't care that Voldemort was a dark lord, the owner of a name that made idiotic wizards urinate in their pants, or the wielder of dark magic. To Goku, Voldemort was just a bad guy. That meant Goku would never fear the overrated name, never be fooled by Voldemort's words or reputation. To Goku, Voldemort was just another enemy.

Dumbledore leaned forward. "So, what do you say?"  
Goku blinked. "About what?"  
Before Dumbledore started to elaborate, Goku nodded. "Oh, the teaching thing. Yeah sure. I'll do it."


	2. Hogwarts Castle

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Dragon Ball Z or Harry Potter.**

Goku walked through the halls of the castle, gazing around in amazement. Dumbledore stepped up beside him, amused at Goku's reaction.  
"Well?"  
Goku turned to face Dumbledore. "I could totally live here."  
Dumbledore smiled. "That is the plan. You can set up your office to suit yourself too."  
Goku nodded, eyes lit up. "Can I bring my sons around?"  
Dumbledore shrugged. "I don't see why not. Just don't tear the castle apart."  
Goku nodded. "Got it. No big Ki blasts inside."  
Goku gave Dumbledore the thumbs-up signal, smiling like a little boy. Dumbledore couldn't help but smile at Goku's happy-go-lucky personality.

* * *

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger entered the Great Hall with their fellow students, sitting down together at the Gryffindor table. Draco Malfoy was leering at them from the Slytherin table, and Harry noticed Seamus Finnegan was glaring at him from a few seats down at their own table. Seamus turned away from Harry after glaring at him briefly, and Dean Thomas glanced at Harry semi-apologetically.

The students then turned to regard the staff table. Dumbledore stood in front of his podium, ready to speak. Harry noticed one particular person at the staff table, other than the staff he knew. A tall, dark-haired man in a business suit that didn't suit him at all. The man was wolfing down a large bowl of rice, literally sending grains of rice flying in all directions. The man really didn't look like a wizard, a teacher or even a mature adult. Professor Minerva McGonagall was half-glaring at him, a look of slight distaste on her face, but the man seemed oblivious to the looks he was receiving.

Dumbledore held up his hands.  
"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. There have been two changes of staffing this year, and a new position. First, I'm pleased to welcome Professor Grubbly-Plank, who will be taking Care of Magical Creatures while Professor Hagrid is on temporary leave. Second I'm pleased to welcome Professor Son, who will be taking over Defence against the Dark Arts."  
Dumbledore gestured to the man in the suit, and most of the eyes in the Hall turned to him. The man looked at the crowd, blinking in confusion, until Snape elbowed him in the side, prompting him to stand, his huge bowl of rice still in his hands, his eyes wide with confusion, rice all over his face. As several students laughed, Professor Son blinked, and spoke, grains of rice spraying from his mouth.  
"You can all just call me Goku."  
Goku said this while taking another three mouthfuls of his rice, muffling his voice and spraying out yet more grains of rice.

As the students laughed further, Goku blinked, not understanding what was so funny. Dumbledore held up his hands, and everyone went quiet.  
"I'm sure you'll all join me in wishing the professor good luck."  
As Goku sat back down, he turned to regard his fellow staff members. Snape was scowling at him, Trelawney looked as confused as Goku himself, McGonagall was looking amused, Flitwick seemed disinterested, Sprout was looking unfazed, Pomfrey was looking at him with what looked like annoyance, and the short woman in pink, who was now standing and walking up to Dumbledore, shot Goku an aggressive glare for a second on her way up.

Goku listened as Umbridge gave a speech. Goku was lost after she mentioned the Ministry. She wasn't saying anything clearly, and he only understood some of her words. After a few seconds, Goku gave up trying to follow Umbridge's speech, and turned to finish his rice.  
_She likes to hear her own voice, I guess._


	3. Goku Teaches Defence

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Dragon Ball Z or Harry Potter.**

Harry stepped into the Gryffindor common room, noticing an aggressive glare from Seamus. Dean was looking at Harry with a slightly apologetic look, and Harry decided to press the matter.  
"Dean, Seamus. How was your summer?"  
Dean nodded seriously. "Fine. Better than Seamus's."  
Seamus stood up aggressively, glowering at Harry with a look that verged on hatred.  
"Me mam didn't want me to come back this year."  
Already knowing what the answer would be, Harry asked, "Why?"  
"Ah, lemme see… Because o' you!"

Ron stepped into the common room. "What's going on?"  
"E's mad is what's goin' on! D'ya believe the rubbish e's comin' out with about You-Know-Who?"  
"Yeah, I do. Does anyone else have a problem with Harry?"  
Ron glared around the room, and everyone turned away.  
Harry quickly headed up to the boys' dorm, kicking a trunk out of the way and ignoring the pain from his stubbed toe. He was dimly aware of Ron close behind him. As Harry stopped at his bed, Ron spoke.  
"Seamus is bang out of order, mate. But he'll come around."  
Harry knew Ron was trying to help, but he wanted to be alone. "I'm fine."  
"We can talk if you like…"  
"I said I'm fine, Ron!" Snapped Harry.  
After a brief silence, a downcast Ron apologised and left. Harry watched him go, already feeling bad for snapping at him.

* * *

Goku sat in his new office, meditating on the floor. He heard Dumbledore enter, and greeted him without opening his eyes.  
Dumbledore sat down on one of the chairs in the room. "Goku, that woman in pink isn't to be trusted. She will try to remove you from the job and take over. If that happens, the students will be in terrible trouble."  
Goku crinkled his brow at the thought. "She said something about prohibiting. That means taking, right?"  
Dumbledore nodded. "Close. Actually it means stopping, but the meaning is the same here. If she takes over she will stop the students from learning anything, and then they will be completely helpless when Voldemort starts his war. They will be far more likely to be killed."

Goku considered this. It was refreshing to hear Dumbledore speaking in normal words for him.  
"So how do I stop her kicking me out? I guess I could drop her on King Kai's planet until the end of the year."  
Dumbledore smiled, appreciating Goku's sentiment. "I wouldn't inflict that on King Kai. That woman is awful."  
Goku smiled, seeing that Dumbledore was right. "What about putting her on Kami's Lookout?"  
Dumbledore shook his head. "She can apparate. Another planet should do it, but not the Lookout."  
Finally, Goku rolled his shoulders, standing up and opening his eyes. "Guess we're stuck then. I'll have to deal with her normally. She can't be any scarier than Chichi."

* * *

Goku sat on his desk, meditating again. He heard the door open, and felt several students enter. Some had weak Ki signatures, some had rather strong ones. When the students were finally seated, Goku opened his eyes and admired the class. He was surprised to see that by far the strongest Ki signature had come from a skinny boy with glasses. In fact, his Ki felt strange, it had two separate types of Ki in it. One was a stable, fairly human Ki, and the other was a dark, much stronger Ki. The weak one was stable and weak, but the high one was erratic and much stronger. Goku was interested in this one.

Shaking himself, Goku turned to the whole class. "Hi, guys."  
Goku stood still briefly, waving and smiling rather blankly. He hadn't thought what to do after saying hi. As he thought, Dumbledore's voice echoed in his head, saying, "Introduce yourself, and then hand out the books on the desk. Then teach how you want to teach any student."  
Goku nodded, telepathically thanking Dumbledore and not noticing the students laughing at him.  
"Hi kids, my name's Goku. I'm your new teacher."  
Goku quickly lifted the big stack of books, handing them out to the students. He walked back to the front of the room again, and turned to look at the students. Suddenly a high pitched female voice said, "There's nothing here about using defensive spells."  
Goku turned to regard the speaker, a small girl with curly brown hair and a look in her eyes that reminded him a bit of Chichi. Her Ki was fairly ordinary for a witch. Goku had gotten used to the Ki levels of wizards by now. Their power was higher than normal and different from what he was used to. A bit like a weaker Babidi, only better looking. The girl looked at Goku with a slightly questioning look in her eyes. "Sir?"

Goku shook himself, realising he had gotten lost in thought briefly. "Sorry, what?"  
The girl's look hardened, and she drummed her fingers on her desk.  
"I said there was nothing in here about using defensive spells."  
Goku nodded. "That's a bad thing, right?"  
The girl's eyes hardened further, almost like steel. "Yes, it's bad. Practically useless."  
Goku thought about this. "Are you sure?"

The girl sighed, and Goku noticed that not only was her Ki rising, but her face was starting to redden.  
"I've read numerous books on magical spells and lore, professor, and this one is filled with meaningless theoretical facts for rudimentary studies."  
Goku blinked. "Well that should be good, right?"  
The girl's face reddened further, and several students chuckled.  
"No! I just told you these books are useless!"  
Goku blinked again. "Oh. Then why'd you say they were full of facts?"  
The girl ground her teeth, and Goku was reminded of Chichi even more.  
"They're full of _useless_ facts!"

Goku stepped back, smiling sheepishly. "Okay, sure. I'll see what I can do…"  
The girl stood up. "If I had to guess, I doubt you can tie your shoelaces."  
Goku's eyes widened, and then he sat down sheepishly on his desk.  
"I'm just trying to help."  
The girl's face softened, and she sat down. "I'm sorry, professor. It's just these books aren't any use to us."  
Goku nodded, becoming serious. He then stood up, holding out his hand and using his telekinesis to call the girl's book into his hand, holding it up to the class.  
"Alright guys, who else here thinks the books are useless?"  
Several hands shot up, including that of the boy with the glasses. Nodding, Goku dropped her book onto his desk.  
"Oh well, didn't want to teach with a book anyway. So what do you kids need?"

The same girl stood up, holding up a short stick which Goku knew was a magic wand.  
"We need to learn how to defend ourselves. Defensive spells."  
Goku nodded. "I knew that. I need to know what you kids can do right now."  
The girl started to sit down, but Goku dashed to her desk, unintentionally scaring the class with his speed.  
"No, wait."

She stood back up, looking at him curiously. Goku pointed at her.  
"You know a few spells, right? Show me!"  
The girl started to step away from her desk, and Goku directed her to the front of the classroom. She stood at the front of the class, and Goku stood opposite her.  
"So, what's your name, miss?"  
The girl hesitated before answering, "Hermione Granger, professor."  
Goku narrowed his eyes. "Your last name's Professor?"  
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Just Hermione Granger."  
Goku nodded, realising she had been calling him professor. "Just call me Goku."

Goku held out his hand, gesturing for her to come at him. Hermione started shooting disarming spells and stunning spells at him, watching as he casually dodged them and blocked them. Goku then nodded, smiling like a happy child. "Okay. Your main issue is you need to know how to make your shots faster. Also you stayed still the whole time. You have to move around more. You'll be too easy to hit if you stay still."

Hermione returned to her seat, and Goku moved over to the boy with glasses.  
"What's your name?"  
"Uh, Harry Potter, sir."  
Goku nodded. "You have some power. Show me what you can do."  
Harry stood, and Goku hovered away from him. Harry pointed his wand, and started firing stunning curses. Goku dodged them, and Harry started sidestepping and shooting. Goku started firing weak Ki blasts at Harry, which Harry was blocking. After a few seconds, Harry flung Goku's desk at him using levitation, and then fired a string of stunning curses at him. Goku caught the desk and casually dodged the curses, ultimately appearing beside Harry, still holding the desk over his shoulder.  
"You're not half bad, kid."

* * *

Harry sat in the Gryffindor common room after his day of classes. Hermione and Ron sat on either side of him, Hermione reading a book searching for magical creatures who fit Goku's description, Ron sat talking to Harry, and Harry was thinking about what everything meant. Between the return of Voldemort, the death of Cedric, the arrival of this High Inquisitor and Ministry Correspondent Umbridge, and the fact Dumbledore and the Order were refusing to tell him anything, Harry was feeling hollow. As much as Hermione didn't like Goku, he was a lone positive influence to Harry. All other recent developments had been nothing but bad. Suddenly, there was a loud crash, and Goku dropped into the common room headfirst. The students looked up to see a smashed window, and through it they heard the indignant squawking of Fawkes the phoenix. Goku sat up, looking around stupidly.  
"Not my best entrance…"

Harry walked quickly over to Goku and held out his hand to him. Goku gripped Harry's hand, and Harry lifted him to his feet. As Goku thanked Harry, Hermione stepped over and plucked a red feather from Goku's hair.  
"Did you collide with Fawkes?"  
Goku smiled stupidly. "Is that the red bird's name? Then yeah."

Ron stepped up next to Harry, noticeably amused. Goku acknowledged Ron briefly then turned to the rest of the students. Seamus stepped up to Harry, glaring at him. "As if one crazy bastard wasn't enough."  
Goku suddenly turned to Seamus, looking shocked. "Why's Harry crazy?"  
Seamus shrugged. "Who knows? Hit his head, fame went to his head, watched Cedric die…"  
Harry started to object, but Goku gripped Seamus' shoulder. "He watched a friend die?"  
Seamus shrugged. "Well yeah. He was there when Cedric died. No one else was…"  
Goku cracked his neck slightly. "Have you ever watched a friend die?"

Seamus turned away, realising the jovial Goku was actually deadly serious right then. "It's sent 'im daft…"  
Goku roughly shoved Seamus back. "Then you got no idea how he feels. I watched my best friend die a while back. Frieza blew him up right in front of me."  
Seamus flinched. "I… I'm sorry."  
Goku shrugged, calming down. "Not your fault."  
Harry had been facing Goku for several seconds, and now that Goku had stopped speaking Harry asked, "Do you believe me that Voldemort's back?"  
Goku nodded, turning to Harry. "Old man Dumbledore told me there was a guy called Voldemort killing people."  
Seamus groaned angrily, and Goku glared at him, silencing him instantly.

* * *

Later that night, Goku sat in Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore sat across from him, looking more amused than anything else.  
"I must admit I've never had a teacher who experienced a head-on collision with Fawkes in midair. Very interesting antic."  
At this, the big red bird that sat on a perch beside Dumbledore's desk squawked indignantly, puffing his feathers.  
Goku scratched his head innocently. "Yeah… Sorry about that. I never saw him, honest."

Dumbledore smirked slightly, noticeably resisting the urge to laugh.  
"And you ended up flying headfirst through the window of the Gryffindor common room."  
Goku shrugged, still smiling like a child. "Well I wasn't expecting a giant bird to smack into my face."  
Dumbledore nodded, taking a sip of his drink. "Truthfully, I didn't call you up here because of that. I just wanted to speak with you about your classes. What do you think so far?"  
Goku scratched his head thoughtfully, looking up at the ceiling as he thought back to his teaching.  
"Well the books are useless, according to all my students."

Dumbledore nodded. "Umbridge supplied them. You were obligated to pass them out, but not to teach from them. What do you plan to do to teach them? Do you have a plan?"  
Goku nodded. "Their spells are similar to Ki blasts. And you guys can fly on brooms, so I think I can teach them as if they were fighters with Ki."  
Dumbledore nodded. "That was all I needed to know."

* * *

Goku sat on his desk, meditating, when he heard the door open and felt the students enter. The boy Harry Potter still stood out as having the strongest Ki. In fact, Harry's Ki was the highest in the castle except Dumbledore's. Goku opened his eyes in time to see Harry and Ron sit down together with Hermione nearby. Goku analysed the classroom. Harry and Ron seemed to like him, and Hermione seemed to like him but not respect him, but most of the students in the class seemed to regard Goku as a joke. There were a few students, however, who stuck out as hating Goku. They were two large boys and a skinny blond boy. A skinny girl also seemed to have aggression towards Goku. Goku had noticed these kids were all wearing green ties.

Pushing these issues from his mind for the time being, Goku stood up and faced the class seriously.  
"I won't mess around. You people need to learn how to fight, or some bad guy's gonna have no trouble killing you. It's my job to make sure you can fight that bad guy off."  
Hermione raised her hand, and Goku pointed to her.  
"You don't have to raise your hand, just speak."  
Hermione flinched, having not been expecting that response. "What exactly are you planning to teach us?"  
Goku's hearing heard a few chuckles, and he swore he heard Seamus mumble, "Insanity", but he ignored these things.  
"I'm not magic at all. The only reason I can see the castle at all is because I became a Super Saiyan God recently. I'm not gonna teach you spells. I'm gonna teach you how to fight effectively with what you've got."

Goku gestured, and all the desks suddenly moved to the sides of the room, with the students still sitting at them. The students all disentangled themselves from their desks, while Goku cracked his knuckles.  
"Hermione, I need you to come up."  
Hermione stepped up, noticing that the room was cleared and knowing it could only be for an arena. She drew her wand, and Goku stood across from her.  
"Basics of fighting like this is shooting and blocking, but you need to be able to dodge as well."  
Goku pointed his finger at Hermione, shooting a small Ki blast which hit her in the chest and sent her staggering back with a grunt of pain. Goku held up his hands apologetically as she glared daggers at him.  
"Sorry, I thought you were ready."

Hermione pointed her wand at him. "Stupefy!"  
A jet of white energy flew from her wand, flying at a very slow speed by Goku's standards. Goku calmly charged his index finger on his left hand with Ki and deflected the spell with it, flinching as the deflected spell hit the lamp on his desk and shattered it.  
"Oops. I figured it'd hit the wall…"  
Harry smiled but resisted the urge to laugh. Goku was genuinely childlike, and really was trying to teach Hermione to fight.

Goku folded his arms. "You got any spells that move faster than that?"  
Hermione narrowed her eyes, thinking. She then raised her wand and fired an expelliarmus at him, which Goku casually evaded by leaning to the side.  
"That one's actually a little slower. Not a big difference, but yeah."  
Hermione then nodded, and raised her wand again. "Incendio."  
Goku's shirt suddenly caught fire, and he jumped back, batting out the flames.  
"Good. That one was instant so I couldn't dodge it."  
Goku smiled, and folded his arms. "That was good thinking. When your enemy's guard is solid use things like that to get past it. That spell's more for dropping their guard than anything else, but follow that up with a more powerful attack should be a good tactic."

As Goku talked, Hermione noticed that the ends of his hair were still slightly on fire.  
"Uh, professor…"  
Goku shook his finger from side to side gently. "Don't be so nervous, your tactic was good."  
Now the rest of the class had noticed it, and people were trying to tell him, but before anyone had said it, Goku suddenly cried out, realizing that his hair was on fire. Goku instantly vanished from the room, the door flying open as he left. The class sat silently for a few seconds until Goku returned, reappearing at the front of the classroom, the fire out and his hair and clothes noticeably wet. The musky smell that clung to him indicated that he had jumped into the black lake.  
"Okay, so who wants to go next?"


	4. Piccolo's Assistance

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Akira Toriyama's Dragon Ball or JK Rowling's Harry Potter.**

Goku stood, shirtless, in front of the sink in the bathroom, wringing the lake water out of his hair and clothes. He had already wringed the water out of his pants and put them back on. As he squeezed the water from his hair he felt something rough, and plucked it from his hair, jumping when he looked at it and saw that it was a small tentacle. He had no idea what lived in that lake, so he decided to simply disregard the tentacle and drop it in the sink. As he started to put his shirt back on, the door opened behind him and he turned to see Hermione Granger and two other girls.

Hermione stepped forward, glaring at Goku and saying, "You do realise this is the _girls'_ bathroom, right?!"  
Goku blinked. "You mean you girls own it? Do I have to pay rent or something?"  
Hermione sighed in annoyance. "I mean that you shouldn't be here!"  
As Hermione started to speak further, one of the other girls walked over to Goku and looked into the sink Goku was next to.  
"Ah! A Grindylow tentacle! That's an interesting souvenir!"  
Goku turned to regard the tentacle Luna was admiring, and smiled naively. "Yeah… I just found it stuck in my hair!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Well that's what happens when you jump in the black lake; a bloody Grindylow attacks you! It isn't rocket science! You're lucky it wasn't the giant squid!"  
As Hermione berated Goku, the door opened again to admit Parvati and Padma Patil, who both attempted to appear as if they weren't looking but were very obviously admiring the shirtless Goku's physique. Goku waved to the two girls, aware that they were looking at him but oblivious to the reason why. Parvati giggled as she stared, and Hermione rolled her eyes, placing herself in front of Goku to block Parvati's view. Parvati giggled again as she observed Hermione's short temper, and the innocent look Goku wore simply elicited more intense giggling as Parvati headed out of the bathroom.

As soon as Parvati and Padma left, Hermione turned back to see that Ginny was now admiring Goku's physique, and by contrast Luna was still admiring the Grindylow tentacle. Hermione shook her head in annoyance at Ginny, and simply said, "Goku, this is the _girls' _bathroom. That means only girls should be in here."  
Goku nodded innocently, and Hermione held up her hands in front of him, gesturing as if she were talking with her hands.  
"So _you_ need to find another bathroom to get changed in. There are ones for staff. Ask Professor McGonagall."  
As she finished, Goku nodded and smiled. "Okay. Sorry…"  
Hermione jumped as the door opened again, admitting several girls from Slytherin, and Hermione turned to face Goku, and was surprised to see he had already disappeared. She felt relieved until she saw that his damp shirt was still in the floor. She quickly picked it up and screwed it into a ball so that the Slytherin girls wouldn't recognise Goku's clothes.

* * *

Goku appeared in Dumbledore's office, having used Dumbledore's Ki signature to teleport to him with Instantaneous Movement. He turned to see an amused Dumbledore, and suddenly realised that he'd forgotten to put his shirt back on.  
"Gee… I left my shirt in the girls' bathroom…"  
Dumbledore chuckled at this ridiculous-sounding statement, and said, "It's best you don't say that to anyone else. To say they might misunderstand would be an understatement."  
As Goku got up to leave, Dumbledore called out at his back, "I should warn you that Umbridge is about to start inspecting the staff. If she finds any excuse to remove you she will do so."  
Goku paused at the doorway. "So how do I stop her doing that?"

* * *

Hermione knocked on the door to Goku's office, and opened it when a voice she didn't recognise told her to enter. She stepped in to see Goku meditating on the floor, and a large green creature reminiscent of a man hovered in the same meditative state directly across from him. She gasped as she beheld the creature, but it turned to her and said in the deep voice that had told her to enter, "I know I'm green; stop staring."

Hermione flinched at this, and stammered, "S…so… sorry, sir. Forgive me, but… who are you?"  
The green man glared at her, and then suddenly put his feet on the floor, standing up and towering over the girl at a height greater than she had seen save for Hagrid. The green man stepped over to her, and folded his arms.  
"What are you here for?"  
Hermione held up Goku's shirt, now not only dried but folded and cleaned, and the green man took it gently from her, tossing it onto the nearby desk.  
"Please tell me he didn't leave it at your place."  
Hermione widened her eyes in horror. "Of course not! He… dropped it."  
The green creature nodded. "Okay. Thank you."

Hermione waited for a moment, but the green man simply sat back down, paying her no mind. As he sat down Goku stood up, walking over to Hermione and thanking her with a more grateful tone of voice. Hermione and Goku exchanged a look of understanding, and Hermione asked, "Who is your friend?"  
Goku nodded. "Hermione, this is Piccolo. He'll be helping out a little bit. That's basically all there is to know."  
Goku smiled in a goofy way, and Hermione knew there was more, but didn't press the matter.  
"Okay. Good luck professor."

As Hermione left, Piccolo stood up. "She seems decent enough. I understand why you want to help these people. It seems out of character for you to stop training for a whole year though."  
Goku smiled that same goofy smile. "Well actually this is training in a way. Learning about their magic might help me become a better fighter. And besides, the old man said he'd pay Chichi all she wants. Once I finish here I can go and train with Vegeta again. Plus it's all for a good cause. Where's the downside?"  
Piccolo cracked a cramp out of his neck, and held up a flask, taking a sip of water.  
"From what I understand this Voldemort guy actually might be that downside. He does seem to have weapons that can hurt even us. Even you, Goku. There are things called Dementors, for example. Do not let them surround you."

Goku laughed. "Never heard of them… but the old man said something about flying things in robes that I have to avoid. Whatever. It's not like I'm scared of danger."  
Piccolo closed his eyes and took another sip of water. "Whatever. Was there anything else you wanted from me?"  
Goku huffed with satisfaction. "You bet."

* * *

Goku sat on his desk, waiting for his class. It just so happened that it was Harry and Hermione's class. As the class entered Umbridge walked in behind them, holding a clipboard. She took one look at Goku and started writing on the clipboard right away. Goku blinked with confusion, wondering what he could have done that was worth writing about when he hadn't even stood up yet. As the last student was seated, Goku stood up, and Umbridge again started writing on her clipboard. Goku still couldn't imagine what she could be writing about him when he hadn't even done anything yet, but he diverted his attention to the students.  
"Morning, everyone. I have a few books to pass out today. I ain't gonna be teaching from them, but they have all sorts of useful information in them."

Goku started to head for the pile of books Piccolo had conjured for him, but he saw that Umbridge was once again writing on her clipboard.  
_What in the world is she writing about? I haven't even done anything yet and the class only started a few seconds ago!_

Goku shook himself to get Umbridge out of his mind, and turned to get the books, lifting them telekinetically and moving them to every desk in the room.  
"Read it when you want and then just return it so other people can read it."

As Goku spoke, Hermione's hand shot up, and Goku said, "Don't raise yer hand, just talk."  
Hermione stood up, holding up the book having already read through quite a bit of it.  
"This book says that the best way to overcome any adversary is to crush it. It has calculations for how much each type of enemy can withstand in terms of…"  
Hermione read the book and continued. "In terms of pressure, heat, cold, oxygen deprivation, piercing wounds, explosive power, wattage, and several other things. I think…"

Hermione had been planning to refer to the book as barbaric and say whoever wrote it believed in destroying everything in front of them, but instead she turned to regard Umbridge who stood at the back with her quill poised, obviously planning to write whatever Hermione said if it was negative, which she knew her tone suggested it would be.  
Realising what Umbridge's intent was, Hermione finished, "I think whoever wrote this has an excellent grasp of both magic and science. Not only does it have weaknesses for almost any foe listed, but even says how much force is required to beat it. A full encyclopaedia most informative."

Hermione sat back down, briefly turning to regard Umbridge, who had turned a light shade of red and was gripping her quill as if she wanted to stab Hermione with it.  
As Hermione turned away from Umbridge, Piccolo's voice said in her head, "_Well saved, kid. I don't appreciate being called barbaric but at least Goku doesn't get fired. Not for that anyway…"_

Goku then stepped over to the door, opening it to admit Piccolo, who entered the room and glared at the students.  
"I'm an assistant for Professor Son. You can call me Professor Piccolo or Piccolo-Sensei. Anyone who calls me green guy or pointy ears or anything like that is going on detention where they'll be making all Professor Son's meals for a week."  
As Piccolo spoke, Malfoy was laughing at him, along with Crabbe and Goyle. Piccolo turned and glared at the three bullies, cracking his knuckles by clenching his fists.  
"Is something funny?"  
Malfoy shook his head sheepishly, and Piccolo nodded. "That's good. Keep it that way."  
After a few seconds of silence, Ron asked Piccolo what the equations in the book meant, and Piccolo answered him, while Malfoy leaned over to Goyle and whispered something.  
Piccolo suddenly stopped answering Ron's question and turned to face Malfoy again.  
"I may be a green freak, as you so eloquently put it, but you're delusional if you think I'll grovel because you call your father. Detention for all three of you. Each of you spends a week making all of Goku's meals, and that includes making more when he asks for it too."

Umbridge started to write something else on the clipboard, but Piccolo suddenly extended his left arm to a length of several metres to reach across the room and snatch the clipboard from her. Piccolo read it and looked up at her with a sarcastic look.  
"You noted that Goku sits on his desk, _and_ that he stands up slowly?"  
Umbridge stood up as tall as she could and started to speak, but Piccolo interrupted her, reading further.  
"You mentioned that he says "ain't" instead of "isn't", and that he has a green teaching assistant who may or may not be above maximum height for a teacher?"  
Umbridge ground her teeth. "It is well within my right as High Inquisitor to note down the many things wrong with this teacher and his methods. Under the law, as enacted by the Ministry…"  
Piccolo read further, interrupting her to say, "You noted that his teaching assistant was taller than him and that the books use what you call… "Muggle numbers"… I also made general equations for how much force most attack spells have behind them along with instructions on how to use them and how they work, so I think you'll find my work is better than anything you'll ever write."

Umbridge stamped her foot. "How dare you?! I should warn you… under the law, as a creature of _near_-human intelligence…"  
Piccolo read her clipboard further, and interrupted her again to say, "That's funny coming from someone who dismisses numbers and math because a race she doesn't like invented them."  
Umbridge clenched her fists and ground her teeth. "I assure you… the Ministry will have something to say about you threatening violence against the senior undersecretary and denigrating the Ministry itself as inferior to _Muggles_! I will not stand for such lies!"

Piccolo turned to regard Goku, who for his part looked uncertain what to make of Umbridge's outburst. After a moment of silence, Piccolo said to Goku, "I'm starting to miss the good old days when I just used to blow people like her up."

Harry heard Ron snicker beside him, and he felt inclined to do the same thing. He turned just in time to watch Umbridge storm out, eliciting a sigh of relief from several students.  
Piccolo shrugged, crushing Umbridge's clipboard in his hands and throwing it out an open window. He then turned to the students. "All right, first off turn to the back of the book. That's where you'll find information on Voldemort himself and the creatures he has in his army. You'll find instructions on the best way to beat the monsters that work for him and to deal with the spells his servants use. There's a biography of his own past and some equations and information on him and his top soldiers too. He's probably gotten stronger since though, so don't rely on the equations too much or you'll probably just underestimate him."

After a few seconds to let that sink in, Piccolo clapped his hands, shocking the stunned students back to reality.  
"So let's cut the crap and get started."


End file.
